


As We Fall

by Accker



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Evil Snoke, Hurt Kylo Ren, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Armitage Hux, Self-Harm, Snoke Being a Dick, Sweet, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, Virgin Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 03:52:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12975300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accker/pseuds/Accker
Summary: So this is how he'll die. With thunderous applause.When you live long enough, you see the same eyes in the different people.I see your eyes. I know your eyes.





	1. I. DAY ONE

The chills ran down his spine as the blood pooled on the floor. He reached to cover the wound and stop the bleeding, but in the last second stopped himself and continued to stare at the damage he himself caused.

  “Soon it will be over,” he whispered. Kylo Ren cringed when he heard the sound of his voice; hoarse, exhausted. It was the sound of breaking glass, the sound of a dying old man and not young boy. Just as the blood continued to fall down, he remembered the falling snow and the coldness against his bared skin. _The planet was dying, I was supposed to die with it._ He wondered if fate if he dared to believe in such things, could truly be so cruel and mock him by keeping him alive. In past weeks he felt trapped inside of his mind, tortured by dreams of Han calling his name over and over again. They usually ended this way, with him kneeling on the ground, with blood covering his hands. They were growing more violent by each day, the Force inside of him was burning like wildfire and he felt like the whole world was collapsing around him.

Finally, Kylo reached and wrapped a bandage around his damaged wrist to stop the bleeding and prevent himself from dying in such shameful way. He was a knight, he had to remind himself. His place was to die with the lightsaber in his hand, fighting with all he had. It took him another few minutes to stand up, especially because his knees were violently shaking and the pain pulsing in his side became unbearable. He briefly touched the wound that should be healed by now, but due to his violent behavior stayed opened and the damage only grew.

He made sure to keep his eyes lowered down, in fear what he might see in the mirror. _Would that be a face of a monster? Kinslayer? Or worse, will he recognize his own eyes?_ With a careful movement, he wiped away the blood from the floor and walked towards his bedroom, hastily putting on his black clothes. Just as his fingers touched his ribcage, he felt the unmistakable hardness of his bones. He lost his muscles due to periods of time he avoided food and the change was now painfully visible. His stomach clenched in disgust as he quickly covered his body, feeling slightly dizzy as he moved away. Finally, the mask covered his face, so no one would notice dark circles under his eyes and abused lips he started to bite to prevent himself from screaming in the middle of the night.

But as he walked among the Stormtroopers that avoided him once they noticed Kylo Ren walking their way, he wanted someone to notice the change in his behavior. _Isn't that what we all want? To be saved_ , he wondered silently and tried focus on keeping moving. The ship became his prison and he often felt lonely in here. Lately, he started to play games with himself to keep himself focused. They often consisted of counting his steps or adding a few more minutes to his daily training. Snoke told him once that the key to success was to keep pushing himself. _Sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one…_

He paused when he noticed Hux coming towards him, his blue eyes betraying his intentions. Kylo considered for a moment to turn around and return back to his quarters but knew better than to run off, especially when Hux noticed him. The older man came to stand in front of him, his gloved fingers twitching before he folded them behind his back.

Even though Kylo's always been the taller one of two of them, with his strength disappearing he looked like a stick against a sword. Hux's eyes stopped on his covered face and they seemed to grow colder by each passing second.

  “How nice of you to finally join us, Ren,” he said, mocking him. “I believe you have another purpose than to sulk in your quarters or destroying my ship.”

It took him a while to find his voice. “If you are done, General,” he said and moved to leave, but Hux's hand grasped his shoulder and kept him in place. Kylo froze and jumped back just as the grip relaxed, feeling how quickly his heart started to beat. The surprise in Hux's face struck him like a lightning.

  “When was the last time you ate, Ren?”

If Kylo didn't know the man better, he would easily assume that Hux cared at least a little.

  “Yesterday,” he lied and wondered if Hux noticed how his voice broke. “What did you want?” The shook disappeared and Hux pressed his lips into a thin line.

  “I need your assistance,” he said clearly annoyed by the way Kylo snapped at him. “Tomorrow I am sending you planet Thalia. The mission isn't that hard so I believe there won't be any room for you to blow something up.” He grinned and darkness returned to his gaze. Kylo felt the anger boiling under his skin.

  “As you wish, General,” he answered. He felt the dull pain in his side, in his wrist. His knees were shaking.

It hurt him when Hux didn't even acknowledged his answer and simply walked away, composed as ever. Not one thing in his whole appearance was standing out of place. His red hair was pushed out of his forehead, his hands were behind his back and his lean shoulders weren't tense, but relaxed, unlike Kylo's.

That's how's real leader supposed to look like. Immediately he cursed himself for such thoughts. He bit his lip and the pain momentary woke up his senses.

When Kylo closed his eyes that night, he found himself in the snow again, for the first time in months. His trousers were wet, the lightsaber out of his reach. He fall on his back and watched the stars above his head, he traced them with his eyes as the coldness traveled down his body. The snow grew red as his wounds opened up again and Kylo felt the planet dying under his fingertips. The ground was shaking and the sky was breaking in half. The snow was gently kissing his face. That's how it was supposed to be, he thought when he woke up. He was supposed to die there on the Starkiller base. He was supposed to die in the snow.


	2. II. THE GOOD AND THE BAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place 24 hours after the events from chapter one.
> 
> Kylo, is unconscious and back on the ship, while Hux has to make the final decision for future, not only his own but also the future of First Order. Because Hux was born for war and he would settle for less than the whole galaxy.

**PART I.**

**THE ECLIPSE OF STARS**

**DAY II. THE GOOD AND THE BAD**

_24 hours later_

He stared and stared until the picture burned inside of his mind. He wasn't aware how much time he spent in Medbay, flexing his fingers and forcing himself not to blink.

  “Leave,” were the first words he's spoken aloud and he didn't even acknowledge the doctor before he walked past him and without another word put his coat on the nearest chair and pulled down his gloves. General could hear the shaky breath behind him and the sound of retreating steps. There was blood marking the sheets, bruises covering uncovered skin. Hux's eyes roamed across the other's body and felt pity. And with a final loud sigh, he reached and pushed hair out of Ren's face, if not to offer a gentle touch than to see the damage. His ship quietly hummed under his feet and the vibrations of running motors sent shivers down his spine. Hux has almost forgotten how the silence felt like.

  “You fool,” he whispered and because there was no one around, his voice grew softer.

In his anger, Hux recognized the slight pull of concern. He believed it was a simple mission, simple enough to make Ren laugh and therefore a good choice if he wanted to get him off the ship. There was no use in the sword when it was left to rust and Hux knew that better than anyone. _But this is not a sword, this is a boy._ It never really occurred to him that Kylo was so young, especially when he hid his features behind that mask. At first, he himself believed the whispers that flew through the ship; about a monster with burned face and blood dripping out of his eyes.

  He wasn't there when Ren returned, but he heard what happened from Phasma who saw as Ren collapsed. “I was almost sure that he died right there and then,” she said to him when he was called and informed about Ren's state. “He was so pale, general.” There was unmistakable fear inside of her mechanical voice. “There was blood everywhere. And he just fell, without a word, a warning. There was no one to catch him.” Hux found him much later, stabilized and unconscious. There were no hints of blood except for the sheets and bandages that were soaked.

  “The Force was clearly burning his body,” the doctor told him later when the questions came. “Due to exhaustion and blood loss, there was no other way to get to energy than to use his muscles to produce it. He'll need to gain weight again.”

  “He's always been on the edge,” Hux supposed. But not like this. Ren may didn't eat like a normal person should, but at least he knew how to keep himself strong and focused. This sudden shift had to last for weeks and weeks, until he was so drained of his power, that he simply couldn't stay conscious anymore. It felt like another failure to Hux. He's already lost _Starkiller_ as it burned down in flames and it would make no good to his plans if he lost Ren as well. He barked a command that he will have the doctor's head if anything happened to Kylo Ren and his demand was understood.

  Now, exhausted general slumped down on the chair and ran with his fingers through his hair. _I will not let him die,_ he promised himself. _Not in the room that smells of blood and not like this._ Hux was a smart man, who would settle for nothing less than what the galaxy had to offer. He wondered if Snoke knew that this time he pushed harder than he intended to, or maybe he believed that this was what the First Order needed, though Hux had to disagree. It was a foolish move, to break their strongest weapon and demand it to kill.

  “You were unstable then. What are you now, Ren?” He paused. “You either blow the First Order up or destroy yourself in process,” he smirked and his eyes shone.

  He knew of Ren's power, maybe even better than anyone. But seeing the boy now, clearly weak and beaten… He reached and without thinking touched Ren's hand, felt the bones underneath the skin. It was his own arrogance, Hux decided. For months Ren refused to leave his quarters, for months he kept his silence and Hux assumed that was his own way of dealing with the aftermath of _Starkiller's_ destruction. Ren's skin was cold under his touch. Maybe he was just as big fool as Snoke was.

  If he wanted to challenge the power of Supreme Leader, he needed something even more powerful. The long nights of careful planning, the years and years he lived in shadows. And now the boy was in front of him, strong and untamed and scared of his own power. What would it take to get Ren on his side? Hux was confident with his words. His men trusted him enough to follow his commands. He knew they would die for him if he wanted to.

  Hux narrowed his eyes, playing with that thought. He almost felt the Force running through Ren's veins, trying to find its way out. Slowly, he pulled his hand away and for a while stared at the unmoving face and listened to the sound of slow breathing. Making his final decision, General stood up and moved towards the doors, briefly opening them as he called for the doctor to come.

  “When do you expect him to wake up?” Hux wondered with steel inside of his voice and the man standing by his side nervously licked his lips and his answer came out in a shaking voice. His face was almost as pale as Ren's was. “Not long, Sir,” he said. “Promptly after the medication wears off.” There was a moment of silence as he considered his next step.

  “Call captain Phasma,” Hux commanded and the man retreated rather quickly, slamming the doors behind his back. Hux was facing the windows when the captain entered, her blue eyes searched general's face. There was a rising tension in the small room and Hux folded his hands behind his back and cocked his head to the side.

  “So you've decided,” she said.

  “You knew that the moment was coming.” She stood by his side when the decisions were made. “It was meant to be. If we live or die…” He didn't finish the sentence. Hux wasn't afraid of what was coming. “We must slow down. I need time to make the things work. Once we reach Snoke, it will be decided.”

  “And what about Ren, sir?”

Hux eyes the broken boy. “We'll see,” he answered carelessly and his face remained blank. “He's a liability. He'll die for me or for Snoke, there is no other way.” It surprised him how much he sounded like his father. Hux knew that though he felt pity towards Ren, he would settle for no less. He's lost too much to turn back now.

  Phasma bowed her head. “As you wish,” she said.

He stayed the after she left, sitting in the chair and working. His eyes were stinging from the lack of sleep and his ship buzzed under his feet. That sound was comforting at least. His red hair was falling on his forehead and though he looked as composed as ever, there was something different about his appearance. He didn't raise his head up when he heard the coughing and only reacted after Ren tried to sit up. He pushed him back and stared into those feverish eyes filled with rage.

  “Hux,” Ren croaked and tried to move his head to see where he was. “What happened?”

  “You almost died,” Hux answered swiftly. “You almost killed yourself by your recklessness,” he added softly and reached down, to touch the bandages tightly wrapped around Ren's wrists. They were soaked in blood too. Hux felt as Ren flinched and tried to escape from his grip, but had no power to do so.

  “Why?” he asked in trembling voice and sweat rolled down his forehead.

  “I am not done with you Ren,” Hux promised and without another word grabbed Ren by his neck and squeezed until the knight sagged unconsciously into his awaiting arms.

 


	3. DAY III. AFTERMATH OF COLLISION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation

**DAY III. AFTERMATH OF COLLISION**

He woke just as violently as he was put into unconsciousness.

  “Try to not break any of those stitches,” Hux said from across the room, leaning against the table and tapping something on the screen of his DataPad as if his life depended on it. “What did I just say?” he sighed and pressed his lips tightly together until they melted into a thin line and crossed the room to take a hold of Ren's hands. “Don't think I won't tie you up to bed if I have to.”

  “You choked me,” Kylo stared at him with wide eyes.

  “I believe so.”

  “You tried to kill me.” He started to struggle again.

  “Why would I do such a thing? You are more valuable alive than dead and if I finally decided to murder you, I would let you rot on _Thalia_. That way I wouldn't have to clean my hands afterward.” His grip tightened and Kylo sneered at him, baring his teeth, but saying nothing at first. Slowly, his attempts to fight completely stopped and he stared at the General with anger burning inside of his dark eyes.

  “Where am I?”

Hux let him go, once he was sure that Ren won't cause any more trouble and pushed the hair out of his face. “ _Finalizer,_ obviously,” he said. “It's my ship,” he added when Ren remained silent for a moment. The younger boy's eyes narrowed. “This is not Medbay,” he barked out and slowly attempted to sit up, gritting his teeth when the pain hit him. His hands roamed over his body as he checked for wounds and found bandages around his chest and abdomen. His fingers were shaking once he was done.

  “Those are my quarters,” the General said and his face remained blank. “I wanted to keep eye on you. Especially since it became clear, that you cannot be kept all alone.” Ren's cheeks turned red. He opened his mouth but words came out.

  “I am capable of taking care of myself,” Ren declared forcefully.

Hux didn't seem to agree. “You collapsed,” he said. “Not because you were stupid enough to get yourself injured during the mission, but because you apparently forgot that people need to eat and sleep and keep their blood where it's supposed to be, inside of their veins. I was told you are starved wreck of a human being. You clearly have no idea what it means to live healthily and because of that you remain here, under my watch until I make sure that you are no longer a danger to yourself.”

  “So I am your prisoner now?” Kylo questioned.

  “Prisoners aren't usually kept in my own quarters,” Hux started to grow restless. “And I certainly wouldn't attempt them by myself.” He reached and grabbed Ren's chin tightly and held it between his fingers. “Look into my eyes when I am talking to you.”

  “I want to return to my own quarters.”

Hux ignored his request. “What happened on _Thalia_?” he asked instead. “You were covered in bruises and blood when Phasma fetched you, half dead. It was supposed to be a simple mission.”

  “You tried to choke me.”

  “Ren.” Kylo heard the warning in Hux's voice as the grasp tightened and the General tipped his back to the side, his pale blue eyes darkened. They reminded Kylo storm about to break. The shadows danced on the General's face and his voice sounded like breaking glass. “I won't kill you, but I can make it hurt. Don't think for a second I won't. You will stay with me. Without your lightsaber or any sharp object. You are to eat anything I'll give you and do as I say and command.”

  “I am not one of your Stormtroopers,” Ren argued weakly and Hux smiled at that, his features momentary softened. “You aren't,” he nodded and his hand retreated back. “But you are on my ship. And therefore you'll follow the rules just like the others. When I'll deliver you to Supreme Leader, you'll be healthy and strong and alive. So don't push me, Ren. I'll push right back and I swear you won't like it.”

  Kylo said nothing. Hux's fingers traced the bandages tightly wrapped around his wrists. He remembered the cold touch of the blade as it dug into his flesh and the following feeling of pain spreading across his body. He hated to admit that he missed that pain that filled the void growing inside of his chest. “What happened on _Thalia_?” Hux asked again and this time, he received an answer.

  “I got discovered right after I landed. Someone had to tell them about your plans and they sent their army as a welcoming gift.” A humorless smile spread across his lips. “I handled that.”

  “That's not what I am worried about,” Hux shook his head slightly. “Will you tell me why did you starve yourself? Hurt yourself like that?” His eyes fell on Ren's wrist, but there was nothing inside of his face. No emotion of pity. Just plain nothing.

  “I don't think you should concern yourself about that.”

Kylo grasped the blanket tighter and curled into the ball in the middle of Hux's bed. Soon only his hair stuck out and his face was buried in the pillows. Hux set his jaw tight and narrowed his eyes. “Pathetic,” he said after a moment and tasted ashes on his tongue. “If you really are so desperate for attention, you could have done something less harmful.” It was meant to hurt the other man. Hux felt he was losing his patience. “You are just a child, not a soldier.” He wondered if Ren would strike him to prove his point, but during those torturous minutes, nothing happened. If Ren heard him at all, he made sure to ignore all those comments.

  “I'll go for dinner,” Hux said, growing irritated. “I fully expect you to join me.” It was not an invitation, but an order. Kylo pressed himself into the sheets, wanting to sleep. He knew that things went too far. He assumed that his condition had to be bad if General found necessary to lock them both in one room and control Ren by barking commands. He stirred when Hux's hand landed on his shoulder and though he said nothing, he heard as Hux asked him to roll over and stand up.

  “I will force your mouth open,” said Hux through the gritted teeth and his tone turned icy. “And I will feed you by myself.” He felt as Kylo tensed but moved and revealed his too pale face. His legs were shaking as he stood up. Hux threw at him a shirt to cover his naked abdomen and together they sat behind to table.

  “You are not my commander,” Kylo said at last.

  “But I am clearly the only who cares if you live or die.”

That hurt Kylo more than he liked to admit. “If it makes you feel heroic,” he split out in a second and instead of taking a bite, he swiftly brought a glass to his lips and drank. “I am not hungry,” he said once he was finished.

  “I can clearly see that.” Hux wasn't smirking anymore. “You need energy.”

  “I know what I need.”

  “Then be it your way,” Hux finally lost his composedness. “I have to bring you to Supreme Leader in one piece. If you want to starve, be it so. But you'll stay here.” He grabbed Ren by his arm and hauled him up. Kylo expected Hux to strike him, but instead of pain, he felt as something touched his skin and the Force suddenly left him. It was an odd feeling as if Hux suddenly cut one of his limbs off. He could no longer feel the energy buzzing in the air or hear fractures of thoughts. The void inside of his chest grew and Hux’s eyes were grim and dangerous. “What…What have you done to me?” he gasped and stared at the thing now securely wrapped around his hand. It was a band made of black metal that sent chills running down his back.

  “It keeps your powers in check,” Hux revealed. “You won’t be able to use Force until I take it down.” Kylo shook.

  “You bastard!” he screamed in rage.

  “Carefully,” Hux returned to his dinner and the look he gave to Kylo was filled with amusement. He won. “I am not a generous man and I don’t give things for free.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! :)


	4. BETWEEN THE SMOKE AND DUST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First love always hurts the most.

**IV. BETWEEN THE SMOKE AND DUST**

He's been lonely before, even if he would rather forget about it.

  The loneliness was supposed to end when Luke came for him. Kylo still remembered the words he said to his mother. “I will become a Jedi,” he screamed and hugged her tightly and she kissed him and smiled. That was the last time he's seen her so proud; maybe it was the first time she realized she had a son that was her own.

  Hux left that morning, fully dressed even before Ren cracked his eyes open. “I thought you'll keep an eye on me,” he teased, though his throat was sore from forceful choking.

  “You are weak, Ren,” the General scoffed him. “And injured and without your powers. There is no way for you to leave my quarters before I say so. I don't have to be here to know that the worst thing you can do is a fuss in my bed.” A smirk appeared on his thin lips and Kylo felt as the hate towards this man rose anew. Before he left, Hux put a breakfast for him on the table. Out of the stubbornness, Ren refused to touch the food, admiring the hope the General still held deep inside of his heart.

  But Hux was right, there was nothing for him to do than wait. His lightsaber was gone, the injuries made him moan from pain anytime he moved and the lack of food made sure that he couldn't stand straight even if he wanted to. _How pathetic,_ he mused brokenly as he stared at the ceiling. _I would be better dead._ He couldn't recognize himself when he found his reflection in the mirror. His face was pale and the bruises covered every inch of the skin. He stopped to look at those Hux caused him, he even touched the pained skin there to see the damage. Once he was someone, Kylo Ren, Force-user but now he was stripped of all those abilities and recognized in himself Ben Solo, that scared boy that regretted too much. _Even Luke hated him,_ Kylo silently thought. _He tried to kill me after all._

  There wasn't much he remembered of that night, except that he woke up to the sight of his uncle towering above him with a lightsaber in his hands. And after that, he was gone for a long time. Snoke made him learn the ways of the Dark Side. He was all alone, curled in the darkness. Kylo imagined himself being a strong leader, someone worth their love and the face he saw in the mirror made him cringe in disgust. He even remembered the first time he's seen Hux.

  _I didn't hate him at first._ During those first weeks, he imagined being kissed by the General. During the night he left his fingers travel and touch, while he imagined they were Hux's hands. He was naïve then, thinking that someone could ever love him. He learned the hard way that there was still someone better than him. Kylo was ready to offer himself to Hux, to give him everything he could.

  _But I was too late._ The girl Hux was seeing at that time was lovely, with high cheekbones and flushed cheeks. Her hair was dark brown, curly and long and her eyes shone like two stars. When they walked next to each other, they seemed like they owned the whole world. And Kylo saw them kissing, with Hux towering above her and pressing her against the doors, while his hands sneaked under her tunic and then hauled her legs up until they encircled his hips. She gasped and begged him. “My sweet General,” she repeated and kissed his cheeks and neck and then, finally his lips. While Hux's eyes were closed, the girl was looking at Kylo and as if she wanted to challenge him. _He is mine, not yours. Never yours._ Kylo ran away when he heard the sound of a zip being pulled down and cried in his rooms until he passed out.

  There were times after that when he touched his sides and tried to make them smaller when he covered his face with his hands because there was nothing he could do to make it less disgusting. And every time she was staring right back at him, even though she was long gone. Her eyes sparkled when she saw the pain written in his every feature. Kylo wished for her to be dead.

  Kylo didn't expect Hux to return before the dinner was served and forcefully ignored when the lunch was brought to him. Instead, he spent his entire day in the bed. The sheets smelled of Hux; it was a smell of coffee and leather mixed with something more dangerous. It was strange that Hux didn't complain last night when Kylo fell asleep inside of his bed and decided for the couch instead. Kylo only briefly wondered if he would let it slip away tonight too. He buried his face in the soft pillows.

  “Why?” Hux asked him last night. Kylo traced the bandages around his wrist with his fingers. Hux was first one to ask Kylo something like that and it scared him. He could not tell the General about the growing void inside of his chest and irrational feel that he was losing himself. He's never intended for anyone to notice and when Hux touched his wrists, there was softness in that touch and for a moment Hux didn't seem violent but gentle. He was the first man to break Kylo's heart and therefore it hurt even more now when he was the middle of Hux's attention. He closed his eyes and felt as tears rolled down his cheeks and quickly wiped them off when he heard the sound of opening doors and loud steps. Hux appeared in the doorframe.

  He was dressed in his usual uniform and his blue eyes searched Kylo's face. “I hope you liked this place. You seem rested.” Hux looked like the complete opposite of that.

  “I left you breakfast…” he turned and saw the uneaten breakfast and lunch still on the table. “That is not surprising,” he said sourly and tugged his coat away. His body moved forward and then he stopped. “Is it truly what you desire? To die?”

  “No one wants to die,” Kylo complained weakly and pushed himself up on the elbows. “But you can't understand, can you?”

  “Explain it to me then.” Kylo remained silent and Hux eventually joined him on the bed.

  “You are becoming smaller than me.” Still, his eyes stopped on those wrists. Hux demanded the answer.

  “You cannot keep me here forever.”

Something dark sparkled inside of Hux's eyes. “You clearly underestimate me.” Those words gently rolled off his tongue. “Maybe we can come to an agreement.”

Kylo eyed him suspiciously. “I don't trust you.”

  “I don't need your trust.”

  “I want to go out,” Kylo spat out. “As if you could stop me from doing so.”

  “You truly are pathetic Ren.” Hux choked him. Hux took away the Force. He could do anything he wanted and Kylo wouldn't be able to defend himself that much he knew and understood. Even though Hux stood up from the bed and stepped aside. “Go on,” he commanded. “Leave.” It was a cruel mockery. As if Hux has even been anything else than cruel.

  Kylo gritted his teeth together in despair. He could not move. “You know I can't.” It surprised him when Hux gently patted his cheek with his warm fingers.

“I don't intend to hurt you.” _You already did._

  “I am not hungry.”

Hux frowned. “I know a liar when I see one. Take three bites; breakfast, lunch and dinner and you can leave if you want that so much. You’ll spend your nights here, of course, but I won’t pry what you do during the day.”

  Kylo stared at him the moment. “Is that all?”

  “I am not bluffing.”

Hux pushed the hair out of Kylo’s face. “Go on.”

  “Fine.”

Kylo felt as shivers ran down his spine as Hux smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!


	5. V. GUNS AND KNIVES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even forgiveness has to be earned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you!

“Are you done?” asked Hux with narrowed eyes from the other side of the table and continued in sipping his coffee. The mug he was holding had to be hot under his fingertips, but Hux didn't even flinch when he reached for it while Kylo dressed up with slow but controlled movements. It was painfully visible now, how much weigh he's lost.

  “Yes,” angrily snapped Ren and chewed piece of bread, before he leaned and took a sip of his drink. If General noticed the way his fingers kept shaking, he didn't mention it.

  “Some of us have work to do,” he continued but his face remained blank and composed. His red hair was pushed away from his face and his eyes were like ice, sharp and cold, especially when his gaze stopped on Kylo's face. Fingers holding the cup seemed rough and it was hard to believe they were able to caress other's skin with gentleness, though Kylo was sure that past few days weren't just some odd dream. “I require your presence at the dinner. I hope I made myself clear.”

  “You certainly did, General.” Kylo was sure he's never used such mocking tone in anyone's presence. “Now if you excuse me…” he trailed off and smoothly stood up, pushing his hair out of his face. His fingers accidently brushed the scar, the painful reminder of his mistakes and he felt burning shame rising inside of his chest alongside with the anger. He looked at Hux's face, those sharp features and fair skin and could only see a beauty. _Keep your head down, so no one will see your face. You don't want them to see it._

  Kylo expected Hux to complain and reach for him and force Kylo to turn around. But the General finished his coffee in silence and then scoffed when he noticed Kylo's unmoving figure. “Have you changed your mind, Ren?” The darkness echoed inside of his voice. Kylo decided he would not let him to have a satisfaction of another victory.

  “No,” he said forcefully.

He walked towards the door and counted the steps. “I feel sorry for you, Ren,” he heard Hux to say, before he opened the doors and found himself standing in the hall. He felt as his heart sunk once the realization hit him. _I feel sorry for you._ It hurt almost as much as when he saw Hux kissing that girl, or when he overheard one of his teachers gently whispering to herself. “Such a shame. His parents are so beautiful and the boy is just… disappointing.” Deeply inside of his heart, he felt sorry for himself too.

  Kylo walked into his old quarters. He didn't know anyone on the ship except Hux and Phasma and therefore he could rely only on himself to deal with this problem. He didn't know what to expect when the doors closed behind his back and he was forced to face the dark room with only one bed. He kept no personal belongings on the bedside table and just like he expected, there were no sharp objects in the bathroom. The walls stared at the boy silently and for the first time in months he felt bothered by loneliness. He reached to brush his tears away and only now realized that he didn't take his helmet with him when he left Hux in the morning. Kylo slumped on the cold ground and leaned against his bed, taking sharp breaths. His whole body was shaking and sobs were caged inside of his chest. The tears kept falling no matter how many times he forbid them to do so. _I am such mess,_ he thought brokenly and again reached to massage his wrists, feeling the bandages against his skin.

  Another thought crossed his mind and his control started to spiral. _Damn, if Hux didn't find out, he could finish what he's started._ Kylo imagined the blade between his fingers, pressing deep and even deeper and blood flowing out. He would not scream or cry, he would simply close his eyes and sleep. He tugged the band around his wrists and tried to push it away, but felt as it was clawed into his skin. Hux made a good job in assuring he wouldn't be able to use any of his abilities.

  “Fuck,” he swore loudly and sniffed. The wound opened again and blood was flowing out. He stared at it for a moment, watched as it soaked through the bandages and started to fall on the floor. It started to rain, the rain of red fell down until it created a river and then a lake. He tugged his other wrist, feeling sick when he opened the other wound. The pain shot into his entire body. The small part of his brain begged him to stop, but Kylo felt blind and deaf. He laughed loudly and pushed himself on his knees. Soon were his robes wet and blood dripped on the floor slower. Kylo stared at it in awe. He's killed a dozen times, but not once cared to see what he caused. There was a beauty in that pain. He wanted more. Suddenly it didn't matter that his body wasn't able to continue working with such big blood loss.

  The hours passed and Kylo finally moved, raising his bloodied face towards the cameras installed in the corners. “General,” he croaked. One last time. He could do it for one last time and then he would go. “Hux.” Kylo gritted his teeth. “Can you see me? Because you can't save me. Not now or ever. I haven't felt anything for so long, that I've forgotten.”

  There was no response. He wondered if there was someone on the other side, staring at Ren kneeling and crying. _A child,_ Hux often called him. _Spoiled child who doesn't know his place._ Maybe he kept his word after all and simply decided to trust Kylo enough that he won't do anything foolish now when all his weapons were taken away from him. Kylo smirked at that and glanced at the blood. He commanded his body to stand up; he was good at following orders and carrying them out. It was natural for him just as breathing. The blood was sticky under his fingers and he suspected it was sneered all over his face. No one came and Kylo assumed that no one knew of his condition.

  _I am finally dead._ It was funny for sure, sad certainly. As a small boy he dreamt he would become a hero one day and would stand as tall as his uncle did. But that boy was dead now. Poor Ben Solo. _He grew up, almost._

  With flushed cheeks Kylo touched the band on his wrist. He wasn't sure if he wanted to move anymore. He knew that the instinct to survive was trying to take over his body. “She deserves to be dead,” he said to camera. “I wish she was.” Again that pale face appeared in front of him. She was smiling, laughing even. “I loved you.”

  His voice broke and a single tear rolled down his face. The blood was everywhere. All he could see was red color and the pain lessened. _If there is someone who listens to those who are lost, tell my mother I am sorry. Tell Ben that I am sorry._ He felt cold and only after he hit the ground Kylo realized he fell. The _Finalizer_ was alive under his fingers. He turned his head to the side and saw him, with hand reaching for him. Han Solo was smiling. The wound from lightsaber was still bloody, but the blood froze in the place. His face was gentle, his eyes were focused on his son. And just like that the doors burst open and someone called his name. His father opened his mouth to speak.

  “Wake up.”

Han's face turned sad.

  “Am I dying?”

  “Yes,” Han said.

  “Does it hurt?”

Someone's hand was holding his wrists. “You idiot.” The voice was screaming in the distance. Before Han could answer, Kylo saw red. The color of fire and stardust. Hux's face was in the darkness.

  _No,_ he found the answer in Han's eyes.

He reached for his father's hand and in the same time, Hux pressed tightly against him. “Save him,” he called at somebody. It reminded Kylo an accident with bird he found when he was six. The poor thing was dying when his father found him. “Let him be, son,” Han said then. “It's dying. You can't save him.” Kylo wanted to tell Hux the same.

  “Let me die,” he whispered.

  _Ben,_ called his father.

_Please, Ben, forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter of Kylo's suffering and things are getting better from now on. I briefly wondered if Kylo's actions weren't too drastic, but I think he was pushed past the point he could take the pain and therefore he decided to end it. One way or another, Hux can't lose him again.


	6. VI. THE PROUD MAN

_I loved you._

  Hux wasn't sure if it was the right time to laugh, but as the tape ended, he folded his arms and stared at now blank screen. He briefly wondered if there was something that could prevent this. He was too blind, too proud and angry. Hux tried to imagine that there was still time left. He imagined how he would stand up and run towards Ren's quarters, grab his hands and called the medics to take care of him. All he was left with a tape and shadows of past that couldn't be changed.

  If Ren could hear him, he would tell him the truth about himself and Cassandra. She was willing and eager and in love with the power he held. Those few months were mostly about giving and taking, but never about sharing.

  His hands were still covered in blood when he returned to his place at Kylo's bed and stared. He was still in the state of shock. “I've never said I loved her back,” Hux whispered. During those nights he let her screaming whatever she wanted if it meant she would spread her legs and leave once they were done. He reached to touch Ren's face, but his fingers froze in the air and he couldn't bring himself to do it. _I should let him die if that's what he wanted. He is too broken._

Hux was angry at himself that he fell into such obvious trap. Once was Ren free, he could do anything he wanted. And he did. Hux knew that the best option he had was to leave the knight to bleed to death and then take Snoke's throne by himself. But those words shattered walls he built around him. _I loved you._ He saw only a boy in front of him, not a monster. “This is what he made of you,” he whispered. “I let that happened.”

  The doors behind his back opened with a click. “General?”

Huston stood there, dressed in white. His stormy eyes stopped on the unconscious figure of the knight. “What now?”

  “What do you expect?”

Hux turned to his oldest friend with an arched eyebrow. “He won't die on me,” he growled. “I won't let that happen. Use every single supply we have to cure him, I don't care.”

  “We could do that,” Huston continued, unimpressed. “But why? That boy is damaged beyond repair. I told you before, when they brought him here, shaking and starved. I knew he would be back soon. He tried to kill himself, I don't think I can cure his mind. Maybe you should consider that he is a liability. If you want that shiny crown, you should learn to make hard decisions. He chose this himself. How can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?”

  “He doesn't know what it means to be saved.” Hux clenched with fists and turned to the old man with anger written all over his features. “He knows only pain and punishment and he is stronger than he believes. That choice will be the last he'll ever make. How can you live with that?”

  “I did my best.”

  “Your best isn't good enough now.” Only now Hux realized he was shaking.

  “I don't recognize you, Armitage.” Huston clicked his tongue. They knew each other since Hux was a small boy. “I saw what you did to your father and I protected you. I saw you climb over here. There've been many lovers before, men and women that disappeared in the morning. You didn't care about any of them.”

  “I used them. They used me.” Hux narrowed his eyes. “It was all about the pleasure.”

  “He gave you nothing.” Huston looked at Ren. “He didn't spread his legs. He wasn't invited to your bed. Yet you are here now, risking everything just to save his life. What is different?”

Hux closed his eyes. Of course, Huston was right. He's never had a chance to take anything from Kylo. Not one single touch or a kiss.

  “Things changed,” he whispered.

  “Is that what you want?” The General narrowed his eyes just as Huston continued. “After I'll put him back together, you'll return back and then, again and again, each time knowing there was nothing you could do, nothing more you could give or take. Would you be able to live with that?”

  Hux clenched his fists. He wouldn't let that happen, he promised to himself. Even if it meant he would have to babysit Kylo more than usual, even if he had to tie him to be and feed him so he wouldn't starve. “I believe I gave you orders,” he barked. “Now carry them out.” He turned and touched Kylo's hand.

  His fingers were still shaking. There was too much blood on Kylo's floor. What was he thinking? Opening his wounds, almost killing himself in the process. He took a hold of those damaged wrists and studied them for a moment, gently massaging the skin underneath his fingertips. Then, almost without thinking he leaned closer and watched Kylo's unmoving face, his soft features, and pale cheeks. He brushed his hair away and pressed a kiss to his forehead in a gentle way that was almost foreign to him.

  “Wake up,” he whispered in a mockery of command and said Kylo's name loudly. “I will make you understand.” His eyes stopped on the bruise he made on Ren's neck and cursed under his breath. It was a mistake to use violence, especially since he knew that Kylo's mind was delicate and could be easily broken.

   He was stroking Kylo's hair absently. It's been a long time since he's tried to show kindness to anyone. That first time he didn't even blink when Kylo collapsed. At that time he didn't worry because he knew of Kylo's training with Snoke. He noticed the changes before, the ugly bruises, shaking hands, teary eyes. It was part of what he was and Hux didn't think it could end on the bed in the Medbay, where Kylo was stabilized but damaged and liable. There was much Hux wanted to say.

  Those words left him once Kylo blinked his eyes, slowly returning back. He was shaking all over his body. The bones were sticking out, his skin was pale, wrists bloody.

  He seemed unfocused at first and Hux patiently waited, stroking his hair. Then Kylo jerked away. “Hux,” he croaked and fear in his eyes made Hux's heart clench painfully.

  “You are safe,” Hux told him, but Kylo didn't seem pleased. His eyes found the bandages around his wrists and the realization hit him in waves. The pitiful sob escaped his lips.

  “I was meant to die.”

  “Not today,” Hux shook his head. “Not under my watch.”

The heavy silence set between two of them. “Why?” Kylo demanded at last. If he had the power to move, he would grab Hux's uniform and tug it. “You owe me at least that,” he whispered and swallowed another sob that threatened to escape his throat.

  “Because you deserve to live,” Hux smiled and brushed away tear rolling down Kylo's cheek and lowered his hand to encircle Kylo's wrist, delicately squeezing the bandages.

 


End file.
